I get that and I thought a similar way before first picking up a book on childhood trauma (a partner of mine insisted, he said this would help) and, while reading, taking a long hard look at my childhood and realizing some things. I later read more similar books and none of them offered an easy way out. Plenty of hard way, though, and while some of those might start out with blaming your parents, the end goal is always to not need blame anymore.
Many of the things I started going through with these books and later on a therapist are probably something I could have dealt with, without first identifying the trauma. But it would be the kind of "could have done it", like I also could have done learning advanced math by just reading some books instead of going to university. In theory it works, for some people it works, but for most of us, taking some classes and having homework and exams is what makes it actually possible.
Permit me an example: Imagine this - you placed an empty bottle somewhere in a corner on the ground. You were busy with chores, it was in the way, you'll deal with it later. Your partner walks in and accidentally knocks it over. You forget about your chore. Your entire mind is filled with the need to apologize, hide, try to make up for putting that bottle there. You watch your partner sigh, pick it up, put it away and proceed with whatever he was doing, but you still can't focus on anything over the intense feeling of guilt and fear. It will take a few minutes to let you get back to work and probably at least an hour for the feeling to entirely go away. What do you do with this shit? I didn't know. I just knew situations like this far too well and they happened a lot.
Reading a book on trauma gave me several clues that had gone right past me for at this point about 13-15 years of my adult life. First off, I didn't understand this was a limbic response. In hindsight, if you need a textbook example for freeze responses, I'm right here. Then I had to understand what I was afraid of. That was tough, because up until reading anything on this, I did not understand "someone shouting at me and calling me stupid for several minutes" to be something that would cause panic. For a little kid, it definitely does. And in this moment, mentally I reverted to little kid mode. I needed to handle whatever the almighty parent throws at me. In my case, handling it was suffering through it and either crying in my room when it was over or later dissociating to escape the pain.
So basically, I had a flashback. Plain and simple. While I consciously knew that would never happen, something inside of me expected my partner to go nuclear on me for being so inconsiderate and lazy and I would not be able to do anything. I would just stand there and take it until he's finished shouting and I'm allowed to go to my room and cry.
My partner doesn't shout at me. Never has. This made it so hard for me to understand, what was going on. Telling me that I was overreacting and just consciously understanding I was safe was helping a little, but it was painfully slow. Also, was I overreacting? Wasn't this how people feel when they have done something wrong? Understanding, what I was actually afraid of (my dad) and that this situation was not normal (it was emotional abuse), jump-started recovery. I suddenly knew what I had to compare reality to. I knew better what to tell myself to soothe and ease out of panic. I could start doing some of those cliche exercises to low-key trigger that fear, walk through it and come out the other end to actively understand I'm still okay. I could also imagine rescuing myself or reliving the situation today and react as the self-reliant adult I am. All the (not) fun stuff.
Going from there, I gradually discovered more and more flashbacks that kept eating up my mental capacity, so I could isolate the triggers and deal with the emotional mess they caused, one at a time. And lo and behold - if you are not busy dissociating on a daily basis, you can actually have real emotions. It's great!
At this point, the amount of blame involved is very little. Sometimes I use a little blame to get out of the shame-cycle. It usually starts with feeling guilty for not replying to some shaming message my parents sent me, starts spiraling into feeling like I'm the worst child ever and then ends with "Screw you dad, I've handled your emotions long enough. We're not doing that again." That is part blame and I hope that I will eventually be able to do without it. It's a work in progress.
Many of the things I started going through with these books and later on a therapist are probably something I could have dealt with, without first identifying the trauma. But it would be the kind of "could have done it", like I also could have done learning advanced math by just reading some books instead of going to university. In theory it works, for some people it works, but for most of us, taking some classes and having homework and exams is what makes it actually possible.
Permit me an example: Imagine this - you placed an empty bottle somewhere in a corner on the ground. You were busy with chores, it was in the way, you'll deal with it later. Your partner walks in and accidentally knocks it over. You forget about your chore. Your entire mind is filled with the need to apologize, hide, try to make up for putting that bottle there. You watch your partner sigh, pick it up, put it away and proceed with whatever he was doing, but you still can't focus on anything over the intense feeling of guilt and fear. It will take a few minutes to let you get back to work and probably at least an hour for the feeling to entirely go away. What do you do with this shit? I didn't know. I just knew situations like this far too well and they happened a lot.
Reading a book on trauma gave me several clues that had gone right past me for at this point about 13-15 years of my adult life. First off, I didn't understand this was a limbic response. In hindsight, if you need a textbook example for freeze responses, I'm right here. Then I had to understand what I was afraid of. That was tough, because up until reading anything on this, I did not understand "someone shouting at me and calling me stupid for several minutes" to be something that would cause panic. For a little kid, it definitely does. And in this moment, mentally I reverted to little kid mode. I needed to handle whatever the almighty parent throws at me. In my case, handling it was suffering through it and either crying in my room when it was over or later dissociating to escape the pain.
So basically, I had a flashback. Plain and simple. While I consciously knew that would never happen, something inside of me expected my partner to go nuclear on me for being so inconsiderate and lazy and I would not be able to do anything. I would just stand there and take it until he's finished shouting and I'm allowed to go to my room and cry.
My partner doesn't shout at me. Never has. This made it so hard for me to understand, what was going on. Telling me that I was overreacting and just consciously understanding I was safe was helping a little, but it was painfully slow. Also, was I overreacting? Wasn't this how people feel when they have done something wrong? Understanding, what I was actually afraid of (my dad) and that this situation was not normal (it was emotional abuse), jump-started recovery. I suddenly knew what I had to compare reality to. I knew better what to tell myself to soothe and ease out of panic. I could start doing some of those cliche exercises to low-key trigger that fear, walk through it and come out the other end to actively understand I'm still okay. I could also imagine rescuing myself or reliving the situation today and react as the self-reliant adult I am. All the (not) fun stuff.
Going from there, I gradually discovered more and more flashbacks that kept eating up my mental capacity, so I could isolate the triggers and deal with the emotional mess they caused, one at a time. And lo and behold - if you are not busy dissociating on a daily basis, you can actually have real emotions. It's great!
At this point, the amount of blame involved is very little. Sometimes I use a little blame to get out of the shame-cycle. It usually starts with feeling guilty for not replying to some shaming message my parents sent me, starts spiraling into feeling like I'm the worst child ever and then ends with "Screw you dad, I've handled your emotions long enough. We're not doing that again." That is part blame and I hope that I will eventually be able to do without it. It's a work in progress.