So I'd like to share an anecdote for a moment and get some feed back on this:
I have a rather brief speaking style when I express myself verbally. It's a brief, staccato and deliberate speaking style combined with my deep voice and rather monotone delivery that doesn't have many changes in inflection. Not forceful, but deliberate (as in I'm the sit and observe type, many will tell you-but when I do speak I'm usually to the point immediately, and then go back into observe mode). Got it from my father, a military man who also speaks little, but directly, with a deep voice who chooses his words very carefully.
As a result, in one of my part-time jobs I have people remarking one or more of the following:
A) "You should cheer up!" - while I'm actually in a content mood
B) "Why are you upset?" - while I'm actually pretty neutral in temperment
C) "That's rude" - when I've uttered nothing objectively offensive or rude toward the person
It's an interesting phenomenon to me because virtually everyone who knows me knows I'm just a quiet person who isn't necessarily shy, but isn't exactly verbose either when I make oral contributions to my interactions with people.
There is the one thing I contend with, a bit of social anxiety-so when I try to take note of this, and actually be more expressive, add more inflections to my speaking pattern, it comes off highly unnatural, fake, and said anxiety goes through the roof to the point where I begin stumbling madly over my words.
Is this something anyone else experiences? How have you overcome it, did you overcome it at all, or is this something I'm just overthinking (like a lot of other things)?
Without seeing video of you interact, I suspect that it is not just your intonation but a combination of your body language, eye contact, and (possibly) attitude towards others who are communicating.
There is one recommendation that I have for you if you would like to become more expressive and communicative without overdoing it (the excessive intonation). Take an improv course. It will force you to communicate out of your comfort zone which in turn will help you better communicate in your comfort zone.
Yes, I am out of my mind and I was just telling you what has helped me personally.
If you are already very nervous about this and you are even the slightest bit interested, perhaps a first step would be to go to an improv show and see it in person.
Going back to your original questions, have you considered telling the person that "I'm fine and it is possible that I may have seemed _____." By doing this, you acknowledge that the person may have assumed incorrectly without being antagonistic.
>Going back to your original questions, have you considered telling the person that "I'm fine and it is possible that I may have seemed _____."
Quite a few times, actually.
"Sorry, I'm actually okay, I just have resting 'bored' face/voice". They chuckle, we chat for a few minutes and one can observe their take of the situation changing completely as it dawns on them: "Oh, this is literally just how this guy talks".
You know the character Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Without sounding that drastically morose and actually being sad, it's sort of like that. Even when he's happy his voice just sounds slow, lethargic and uninterested.
So as it happens, I often have people talk to me for about two seconds, immediately jump to the "Cheer up!" routine, we talk more and it becomes evident the person slowly starts to 'get it'. It's not that I shut people out or refuse to engage in conversations, because my answers more often than not match up point for point with what we're talking about. I just have a very lethargic sounding voice coupled with answers that are sometimes more brief than a person is anticipating-which results in the oft-incorrect assumption that I'm annoyed with them.
I have not had to overcome to a degree you appear to be facing.
Early in life, I was introverted, tech oriented and did not talk much.
Performing arts actually did me a lot of good. Long story, but I got into some productions due to parts being hard to fill. Massive stage fright and anxiety.
Got past it when I realized I was bad and any effort at all would be an improvement.
Cared less about what others thought, focused on good intent and protocols, charm basically.
For me, it became a sense of taking good care of others around me, including me. The including me part was the key.
When we are genuine about wanting communication to go better, we can treat everyone, including ourselves.
That began a long journey. Started by just making sure the basics were there and adopting role models.
This may seem awful shallow, but my grannie nailed it. If you want to live in a nice world, start with the person in the mirror.
Like attracts like. Consideration received is very often consideration given.
Over time, I found ways to express things that left others an out.
Example:
User skills assessment. Truth is, this is a project to find out who sucks and who could use help.
A third party can judge this, but it's all kind of negative.
Worse, we as people, users, are often asked to rate ourselves and who wants to figure out our suckage and communicate it in detail?
Today, I would frame all of that in terms of interest. "Rate your interest in these things..." And leave them an other, blank to fill in, if they want to.
Truth is, some people suck and are interested in help if they can get it without judgement, theirs or others.
Others are good, but just want more.
Still others are seeking, maybe curious, wanting to expand on their skill sets, do new things.
Removing judgement from my interactions, making sure there are outs for people has improved my communications and related skills (training) across the board.
Most of the anxiety I had is gone. I can always phrase it in a way that leaves the door wide open for others to respond as they feel makes sense.
And the intent behind that is all good. People need help, I can give it, they may want more, are seeking, or they may just have to somehow too.
Doing that work to improve and share has madever me more comfortable by making sure I'm not adding to others potential anxiety or overall comfort.
In business, avoiding these same things has been enlightening and in similar ways. What I found out is its often necessary to understand how others make their money better so that conversations can center on high value things and everyone is comfortable because there are no or very few judgements.
Just plastering on some warm fuzziness stands out. Your increased anxiety has clear cause. You aren't wrong in that.
Just start with small things. Thanking the cashier, complimenting someone without creep vibes, etc...
Really think about each one and where implied judgement or direct judgement is likely and phrase it in ways where they can see your intent.
Once they do, and you are hitting the mark for, most of your work and or business relationships should improve. They will return what you are giving and the much reduced sense of being judged should help with anxiety.
One last thing.
Anxiety of this kind and in social interactions generally boils down to being unsure what will happen.
Doing the work I describedid here should improve it all for you.
If you are unsure what will happen, include phrasing to insure a good outcome. Think it through so you have some discussion paths down cold.
And smile. That one will seem forced. It will be for a while too, but when coupled with this concept of being considerate and non judging, will end up natural.
I have a rather brief speaking style when I express myself verbally. It's a brief, staccato and deliberate speaking style combined with my deep voice and rather monotone delivery that doesn't have many changes in inflection. Not forceful, but deliberate (as in I'm the sit and observe type, many will tell you-but when I do speak I'm usually to the point immediately, and then go back into observe mode). Got it from my father, a military man who also speaks little, but directly, with a deep voice who chooses his words very carefully.
As a result, in one of my part-time jobs I have people remarking one or more of the following:
A) "You should cheer up!" - while I'm actually in a content mood
B) "Why are you upset?" - while I'm actually pretty neutral in temperment
C) "That's rude" - when I've uttered nothing objectively offensive or rude toward the person
It's an interesting phenomenon to me because virtually everyone who knows me knows I'm just a quiet person who isn't necessarily shy, but isn't exactly verbose either when I make oral contributions to my interactions with people.
There is the one thing I contend with, a bit of social anxiety-so when I try to take note of this, and actually be more expressive, add more inflections to my speaking pattern, it comes off highly unnatural, fake, and said anxiety goes through the roof to the point where I begin stumbling madly over my words.
Is this something anyone else experiences? How have you overcome it, did you overcome it at all, or is this something I'm just overthinking (like a lot of other things)?