> Those nights with friends I had known for years felt no different now that I was sober. As I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable around them, and drinking together wasn’t the only activity or situation we saw each other during. Relationships with people who I only ever drank or partied with definitely started to fade away, but I never felt like I lost anything as a result of that. The nights where I was stinging for a beer to get through it, however, were the events I had no real genuine interest in attending, or with crowds that I didn’t fit in with.
This is a common theme among my friends who previously drank heavily: They participate less in certain alcohol-centric groups, but they realize they aren't really missing them.
Moderate to heavy drinkers seem to get stuck in a rut where it feels like everyone drinks as much, or more, alcohol than they do. Yet once they break out of that rut, they realize that a lot of people have no problem having a good time without heavy drinking.
Alcohol is definitely a crutch for a lot of people.
I can say it helped me in my early 20's. I was "in my shell" up until I started going to bars and dance clubs once I hit about 21 to 22. Having just enough alcohol in me to not be shy helped build a social group, but it was still fun to go out even on nights that I would stick to soda or water.
However depending on the bar I went to, some of them were more pleasant if I was drinking. When I was sober, I really couldn't stand to be around a bunch of less-than-sober people (they were no longer funny or interesting). But I had the opposite experience with other crowds. Weird how that works out sometimes.
Now at my age (and without being a regular drinker), if I have one drink I'm ready to go to bed.
Absolutely helped me in my 20’s. I was severely repressed, and alcohol in moderation felt like it basically “unlocked” me. I actually have a pet theory that the people who evolved to tolerate alcohol (and not die from it or misadventure via it) actually depend on it to “fully be themselves” because the cost of this is being LESS daring etc. (basically having an overabundance of self control) while sober.
I’m a software engineer with 100% German ancestry, so this may figure.
Not sure if related to this, but 100% of my best sexual experiences (as well as the first few experiences at all) were under the influence to some degree.
I used to feel bad for people who’d drink and get real angry and then learn they need to stop drinking, but I never considered that I might actually be paying an ongoing cost for my alcohol tolerance.
I thought alcohol was helping me in my 20’s - just like I thought I was a high functioning alcoholic by the end of said 20’s.
In actuality, my consumption had slowly (but dramatically) lowered my standards on _everything_. My daily routines had all but evaporated. I was in a constant rush, phoning in virtually everything in my life - all while planning for the next drink.
Took 30 days of sobriety to realize the sauce had robbed me of 15 years of my life. I can count on one hand the number of events in hindsight actually _better_ due to alcohol’s presence. Turns out most gatherings begin awkward - with or without alcohol.
Alcohol is a scourge. It suffocated my values and turned me into someone I was not. Unsurprising [0]”Criminal activity is more closely linked to the use of alcohol than any other drug.”
Fascinating “Pet Theory” that would surely electrify a room of bev alc marketers.
[0] Esser, M., Sherk, A., Liu, Y., Naimi, T.S., Stockwell, T., Stahre, M., Kanny, D., Landen, M., Saitz, R., and Brewer, R.D. (2020). Deaths and years of potential life lost from excessive alcohol use-United States, 2011-2015. MMWR Morb Mortal Wkly Rep, 69 (30): 981-987.
I definitely noticed this with a lot of people I worked with in engineering. They were quite shy and a bit hard to crack, but once they had a drink or two at a work event they were very sociable and easy to talk to. And outside of these situations they never really drank. So I think for them, alcohol was never really an issue.
This pretty closely describes how/why I usually drink as a dev.
While sober I can function socially more than well enough to get along in the day to day without issue, but it’s much much smoother if I’ve had some alcohol (but not too much).
I also tend to focus more squarely on my conversation partner when I’m buzzed, whereas sober my head is all over the place, plus I don’t get bored with the conversation or lose energy to converse as easily.
Since beginning to work from home I’ve had very little to drink, averaging 0-2 beers per month. It’s really a social thing.
Humanity has been bonding over beer for thousands of years - I'd guess it's adaptive and selected for.
The cultural signaling of whether it's cool to give it up or not just comes in waves imo (outside of people with more serious drinking issues). Right now it's cool to say you don't drink so there's lots of these blog posts, same category as people that tell you 'they don't even have a TV'. It's not that interesting, but generates a lot of commentary from people in both directions and I think it's mostly some form of social status thing.
I've noticed a similar thing with young people thinking it's cool to be religious after a swing for a bit in the other direction. There's always some points you can get for doing the less common thing in certain circles.
In our culture, we've created a space of less accountability around alcohol. We judge people less harshly for what they do under influence of alcohol. Mostly, it means you don't need to worry about mild social norm breaking, others (and yourself) will ascribe it partially to the alcohol rather than your inherent character.
Not all cultures have this. Cultures ascribe widely different attributes to alcohol. That's for another post, though.
I'm convinced this isn't a free lunch. This space of less self-control we've carved out, comes at the cost of MORE demands when we're sober. I think your shell, and mine as well, was in part a product of a culture where we, like Dr. Jekyll, sought to split off some sides of ourselves.
> Moderate to heavy drinkers seem to get stuck in a rut where it feels like everyone drinks as much, or more, alcohol than they do.
Well are they necessarily wrong? There's that "friendship paradox". Most people probably drink with people who drink more than them on average, since people who drink a lot presumably have more "drink with" relationships.
This is a common theme among my friends who previously drank heavily: They participate less in certain alcohol-centric groups, but they realize they aren't really missing them.
Moderate to heavy drinkers seem to get stuck in a rut where it feels like everyone drinks as much, or more, alcohol than they do. Yet once they break out of that rut, they realize that a lot of people have no problem having a good time without heavy drinking.
Alcohol is definitely a crutch for a lot of people.