The problem I've found, and I know this is true in me, is that people have a gated view of success -- they only consider the people that are more successful than them in their self-evaluation. People look longingly at the friends that went to Harvard Law and have made millions, but don't seem to give a glance to the friends who are having tough times emotionally or financially.
Even Julius Caesar reportedly, upon seeing a statue of Alexander the Great, realized with dissatisfaction he was now at an age when Alexander had the world at his feet, while he had achieved comparatively little.
The point is, if we are looking to find someone better than us in the areas we want to succeed, we will easily find them. It's only upon reflection that we might find that the areas we give no credit to, the areas we have already succeeded in, might be just as important as the things we strive for.
they only consider the people that are more successful than them in their self-evaluation
We look up, never down.
I figured this out while I was driving down the street next to the downtown trail where I run, and I tried to point out to my passenger how going for a run is always a great reminder that I'm a slow, fat, horrible slob. I say "tried" because at the same time I was saying it, I realized it wasn't true, and I couldn't even twist it in a way that reflected the truth. The only truth in it is that when I go running, everyone on the trail who is slower or fatter than me is invisible.
I noticed instances of this much earlier in life, but I didn't generalize. When I was a little kid playing Little League, I only compared myself against better players, so I was always the worst. When I was in college, I lamented to an old friend of mine that no girls had liked me in high school. He mentioned a few names, asked what about them, and I was irritated with him: What do those girls have to do with anything? The ones who mattered didn't like me.
I've always been criticized by my parents, my teachers, and my therapist for being too harsh on myself, but looking upwards seems more optimistic. I don't want to look downwards. It's scary. Plus, every mountain biker knows that your bike goes where you look, so you look at the gaps between obstacles, never at the obstacles themselves.
I've always been criticized by my parents, my teachers, and my therapist for being too harsh on myself, but looking upwards seems more optimistic.
Yeah, I know the feeling. I'm pretty sure that no matter what I ever do or accomplish, I'll never be truly "happy" for any long period of time, or ever feel any real sense of contentment. I am always burning with this drive to do more, accomplish more, see more, feel more, whatever. And I am an optimistic person, and my sense of self-efficacy is off the charts... but I also know that there will most likely always be something missing.
Of course, getting into reading a lot of evolutionary psychology, finally truly embracing my atheism (and not hiding behind the term "agnostic"), etc., have taken some of the mystery and romance out of the world as well... I have a hard time not believing in a strictly deterministic, mechanical universe sometimes, and that seems to take some of the joy out of things....
But I keep ploughing on, and telling myself that it's the journey that matters. :~)
There's a lot of good advice, but I can't recommend this enough:
> Stretch.
Programming and using computers is both sedentary and physically taxing. You accumulate stress in muscles. Office culture often ignores the needs of body.
Shrug your shoulders as high as they'll go, then slowly lower them for 15 seconds. Release your neck. Feel your back extend, and the energy move through your arms. Don't let the constrained use of a keyboard dominate these neuromuscular pathways. Take breaks, and find gentle stretches that feel good. Stress in the body can be just as detrimental to thought as a preconceived notion in your mind.
Hey, cool. I was 19 when that song hit the charts and I understand a lot of those things a lot better now. It all seemed quite sensible, but I remember that time recent enough to know there's just no way a healthy young adult can use that advice--at all.
And I always wondered about the sunscreen. I bet it depends on your geographic location a lot. Sure, if you get powerful direct sunlight on your skin it's important, but here (NL) that's just a few weeks per year, if we're lucky :-) -- And yes, that's when I wear sunscreen, it's just that considering scientifically proven benefits, I don't understand why "wear sunscreen" is stressed so much vs "eat many fresh vegetables" or "do something that really raises your heart frequency once per day, even just shortly" sound so much more universal (including boosting your immune system and thereby preventing cancer and wrinkly skin!)
Setting unrealistically high benchmarks and goals usually destroys contentment, makes you go half-insane, and risks you always feeling terrible regardless of how much prosperity and success and accomplishment you achieve.
And yet, it also lets you drive new things to the world....
Hmm. I'll share an anecdote. It's true. I hesitate to share true ridiculous-sounding anecdotes with skeptical people, because the natural response is more skepticism, perhaps even mocking. But what the hell, it's true and maybe something interesting will come of it --
You see, ambition and hubris and uncalled-for faith in yourself both offputs a lot of people (perhaps, yourself) and also gets you into hot water. After having a confirmed appointment cancelled by one of the Director of Communications at one of the largest international organizations in the world, I got into a shouting match with him and was almost arrested.
You know, I had nowhere near the relevant authority, gravitas, channels to actually be justified in being offended at being brushed off and cancelled. In retrospect, this was... sort of ridiculous.
However, that same hubris that got me into the shouting match (with threat of arrest, and all), was applied when being brushed off in a similar situation - and the same pressing and indignant behavior led to us to a meeting with a high ranked diplomatic officer, and later their Minister of Foreign Affairs for a large charity project we're doing.
I was, in retrospect, probably completely unqualified to launch this project. However, having run on faith and hubris for a while, something of substance happened, and once you've got something tangible it becomes possible to recruit actual professionals (what'd Eric Schmidt call himself when he originally joined Google? "adult supervision"?) -- and we did, and continue to do so.
So, I don't know. If you want to be happy, have low expectations, find a vocation you truly enjoy, live below your means, and spend time with your friends and family, do lots of relaxing, spend time in nature, read books, and have a healthy physical life and sex life.
I have absolutely the highest level of respect for anyone who manages this true happiness, and would never once more encourage someone to set unrealistic goals and ambitions far beyond their caliber in order to attempt to drive the world forwards. Frankly, it's lonely and terrifying and miserable much of the time. I wouldn't recommend the path to anyone who wasn't hell-bent on it already.
“Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed.”
For an architect ought not to be and cannot be such a philologian as was Aristarchus, although not illiterate; nor a musician like Aristoxenus, though not absolutely ignorant of music; nor a painter like Apelles, though not unskilful in drawing; nor a sculptor such as was Myron or Polyclitus, though not unacquainted with the plastic art; nor again a physician like Hippocrates, though not ignorant of medicine; nor in the other sciences need he excel in each, though he should not be unskilful in them. For, in the midst of all this great variety of subjects, an individual cannot attain to perfection in each, because it is scarcely in his power to take in and comprehend the general theories of them.
Still, it is not architects alone that cannot in all matters reach perfection, but even men who individually practise specialties in the arts do not all attain to the highest point of merit. Therefore, if among artists working each in a single field not all, but only a few in an entire generation acquire fame, and that with difficulty, how can an architect, who has to be skilful in many arts, accomplish not merely the feat -- in itself a great marvel -- of being deficient in none of them, but also that of surpassing all those artists who have devoted themselves with unremitting industry to single fields?
- from The Ten Books on Architecture by Vitruvius Pollio
Even Julius Caesar reportedly, upon seeing a statue of Alexander the Great, realized with dissatisfaction he was now at an age when Alexander had the world at his feet, while he had achieved comparatively little.
The point is, if we are looking to find someone better than us in the areas we want to succeed, we will easily find them. It's only upon reflection that we might find that the areas we give no credit to, the areas we have already succeeded in, might be just as important as the things we strive for.