Just for fun, I'd like to throw in my opposite experience. A few years ago I was quite active on FB, you know, posting random thoughts and music videos and stuff like that. The stuff I posted was indeed random, just things I liked and wanted to share based on mood and ...well randomness. But unbeknownst to be, an acquaintance of mine, who was at the time engaged in a horribly soapy love triangle, got it into her head that I was speaking in code about her - more specifically that I was totally in love with her and wanted to make her nicely constructed love triangle into a quad-shape.
It didn't help that I really had been unlucky in love for months at that time, and I once confided to said threesome girl my situation over a coffee. I did express to her quite clearly who my "problem" person was, but for some reason (and I learned that only much later from a meetup with her boyfriend) she actually thought I was again speaking about her, in code. I was not. However, she convinced a lot of people.
Only after noticing that quite a few friends and acquaintances were turning their backs on me lately, and a few people coming out and saying strange things like "hey, what's up with you and X, you gotta let her go, man" or even "dude, I heard what you did and it's not seriously not cool" I gradually learned that this person was waging an epic info war around and about me, who supposedly couldn't stop hitting on her. Upon learning this, I broke off contact immediately, but to my amazement the damage was still unfolding.
I simply could not believe the amount of gossip and straight-up fantasy people engaged in with me playing some kind of role in what had become a huge reality soap opera. Honestly, I never thought I was that interesting. But that didn't matter, because the made-up stuff just kept coming. It was as if I had a very active doppelgänger walking and talking around somewhere. It was absolutely stunning, and more than a bit horrifying. There are a lot of things I still can't wrap my head around. What was she getting out of this? And all the time, we had a "hey, let's grab a beer and cheer you up"-kind of relationship that I thought was pretty good. Why would anyone do this? And why was everyone willing to not only listen but also willing to add to this story?
Now, years later, my circle of friends has shrunken immensely. There are a lot of people who won't talk to me anymore, and I never got to find out why exactly. I only know that the moment I start asking questions, the whole affair seems to get reactivated. One friend told me only recently (unprompted) that there are so many conflicting stories about me in circulation, it's hard to keep track of them all. And none of them is good.
Why me? I'm neither rich, nor good-looking, nor in any imaginable way socially interesting. Seriously, it's stunningly stupid, and I can't for the life of me understand what powers this process. But it happened. A home-made conspiracy story. Sometimes, people really do talk behind your back - a lot.
Having seen a similar case up close myself, it is amazingly hard to wrap your head around some kinds of socially manipulative behavior. And I think that is why some people will fundamentally never come over your side - it's too hard to understand.
I've learned a few things from this (my) experience:
- Most people really are not interested in getting to the bottom of anything. Even if it is pretty serious and damaging. Sad but true. They can't be bothered to doubt their first instincts.
- Most people think they are such a rock-solid judge of character.
- If something doesn't add up, people may notice but then sweep it under the rug.
- Personality disorders are probably too hard a concept for people to consider. One thinks of a mental disorder as a person gibbering nonsense.
I've been through a similar, although not quite so extreme situation (post-breakups) a couple of times. One thing I have realised is that the people that stick with you and don't believe the bullsh*t are those that will be your friends for life.
There seems to be no shortage of people who will happily listen to one side of an argument and disseminate it. I've even met people for the first time, and when they found out my name say something along the lines of: "Oh, I've heard all about you."
It really is childish behaviour, anyone with a modicum of decency would confront you about it, and let you have your say. If they don't, they're not worth knowing (IMHO).
I have seen something like this before. Your case looks similar (it's impossible to know for sure, but I'll tell you what this looks like). She was in a self produced (shit)storm and you were chosen and used as the lightning rod. She actively engaged you in the equation without your knowledge. You were left in he dark, but she made sure all her and your friends got to know everything about you. She was "just the victim". She directed the talks (and the anger accompanying them) towards your person and got away with her own behavior. The fact that people still don't know what to believe makes me think she was quite successful. Of course this would not have worked if the target (you, a.k.a. the lightning rod) was -as you put it- "socially interesting". This strategy works especially well inside large companies. If you fucked up, you will most likely know it in advance and (if you have the power to) you select a person without a lot of good colleagues and blow up a small problem and make it huge. Get everyone to talk about his project and his mistakes and make sure your failure 'hides' behind the attention the other problem receives. In case your wondering, I've been a lightning rod as well. But I found out why in time...
Oh dear gods no, I'm trying to put this debacle behind me. It seems every time I try to clear something up about this, two more stories come to life. The only winning move, as they say, is not to play. I'm counting on the semi-anonymity of my HN account here ;)
Nah, I tried all that and more years ago, it only made things worse. My interest actually contributed to keeping this thing alive. The longer I don't show any interest in the story, the more it atrophies. I'm just telling this as a cautionary tale, not soliciting any solutions - this chapter needs to die.
Unfortunately, you can't really caution against people who are projecting onto a situation for whatever personal benefit / coping mechanisms they have. It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong in this situation, and that's the best you can do. It's unfortunate too that people are uncomfortable to ask questions, and just assuming things they hear about someone are true, especially when it's in a bad light, ask to confirm or hear the 'other' side of the story - and gauge for themselves believability of both parties.
Maybe, but I think this is fundamentally different. Threesome Girl did not have a real motive against me. In fact, we were still drinking buddies when I learned what she had been doing this whole time. There was no love interest, no need for revenge, nothing to gain from doing this. Yet, she did. And even more puzzling: a lot of people helped her, she always had a lot of social support. She was quite brilliant at that. Maybe - maybe getting that support and recognition was the motive, but she already kinda had that before.
Exactly, I know some people in real-life, immediate family members, people I can't easily ignore even if I want to, who just loves to feed on drama.
I usually try to stay away from drama queens like my sanity depends on it, but when family members do it, not easy or (always right) to ignore them. I tried to explain, rationalize, reason with them and their drama ways; but it didn't help much.
I think drama loving people are kind of addicted to how it makes them feel.
Isn't it the same cause from a different perspective? She thought people (you) were talking about her.
We've a natural tendency to be egocentric because whenever we look around... we are at the centre. Happens at all scales e.g. geocentricism, anthropomorphism.
While you do not connect the dots, you have them all in your description. People were willing to believe her, because they wanted to be the fourth angle. By being in a triangle she was sending the message that a fourth angle is possible. By creating this story about you she was actually reinforcing that signal, making this possibility a discussion subject. Men are notoriously keen to have sex, especially on the age implied, and her behaviour was very promising. On the other hand, keep in mind that there is no randomness in thoughts or feelings you express. What you felt random could instead be serendipitous and she might even be right, but not in presenting that as something intentional.
It didn't help that I really had been unlucky in love for months at that time, and I once confided to said threesome girl my situation over a coffee. I did express to her quite clearly who my "problem" person was, but for some reason (and I learned that only much later from a meetup with her boyfriend) she actually thought I was again speaking about her, in code. I was not. However, she convinced a lot of people.
Only after noticing that quite a few friends and acquaintances were turning their backs on me lately, and a few people coming out and saying strange things like "hey, what's up with you and X, you gotta let her go, man" or even "dude, I heard what you did and it's not seriously not cool" I gradually learned that this person was waging an epic info war around and about me, who supposedly couldn't stop hitting on her. Upon learning this, I broke off contact immediately, but to my amazement the damage was still unfolding.
I simply could not believe the amount of gossip and straight-up fantasy people engaged in with me playing some kind of role in what had become a huge reality soap opera. Honestly, I never thought I was that interesting. But that didn't matter, because the made-up stuff just kept coming. It was as if I had a very active doppelgänger walking and talking around somewhere. It was absolutely stunning, and more than a bit horrifying. There are a lot of things I still can't wrap my head around. What was she getting out of this? And all the time, we had a "hey, let's grab a beer and cheer you up"-kind of relationship that I thought was pretty good. Why would anyone do this? And why was everyone willing to not only listen but also willing to add to this story?
Now, years later, my circle of friends has shrunken immensely. There are a lot of people who won't talk to me anymore, and I never got to find out why exactly. I only know that the moment I start asking questions, the whole affair seems to get reactivated. One friend told me only recently (unprompted) that there are so many conflicting stories about me in circulation, it's hard to keep track of them all. And none of them is good.
Why me? I'm neither rich, nor good-looking, nor in any imaginable way socially interesting. Seriously, it's stunningly stupid, and I can't for the life of me understand what powers this process. But it happened. A home-made conspiracy story. Sometimes, people really do talk behind your back - a lot.